ICC Arrest Warrant: Min Aung Hlaing commits Suicide [Parody]

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By Haikal Mansor

Senior General Min Aung Hlaing, the Commander-in-chief of Myanmar Military (Tatmadaw) is the lastest in line committing the institutionalised oppression against Rohingya in Rakhine State, Myanmar. He has undertaken one of the largest humanitarian crises, which according to the U.N. International Independent Fact-Finding Mission has “genocidal intent” for driving out over 7000,000 Rohingya from their homes and commanding rape, mass-killing, arson attack, destruction of villages, religious buildings and livelihood. The International Criminal Court ruled that it has “jurisdiction to probe the forced expulsion of Rohingya as a possible crime against humanity.”

“ICC Arrest Warrant: Ming Aung Hlaing commits Suicide” is a parody.

Min Aung Hlaing: I have a grand ambition to rule Myanmar. In the reflection of toilet water, I started seeing myself in General Ne Win.

With billions of public money, we secretly constructed Naypyidaw – “Abode of the King” away Yangon in 2005. It is to fortify ourselves with stolen public funds and from any foreign and ethnic armed groups’ attacks. It seems coming to an end now.

What is going on, Tun Tun Nyi? Now, where does this news come from?

Tun Tun Nyi: I’m happy that you are still awake. We have some bad news from our central intelligence in Europe. From Americas to Asia, countries are calling it ‘genocide’.

Min Aung Hlaing: How about China and Russia?

Tun Tun Nyi: No reports yet. Zaw Htay the Mole is on the line.

Min Aung Hlaing: Give me to the Smarty-pants. Hey, the Mole! Do you realise that we are dragging ourselves into own hell fire?

Zaw Htay: No.

Min Aung Hlaing: Have you heard anything Aung San Suu Kyi?

Zaw Htay: Now I am outside her villa.

Min Aung Hlaing: The U.N. Security Council is chaotic. Apparently Russia and China are out of order to protect us.

Zaw Htay: I just received an order from the International Criminal Court. This ICC Arrest Warrant is for you.

It states that you have committed the ‘gravest crimes’ – genocide and crimes against humanity on Rohingya Muslims and war crimes against ethnic minorities.

It also states that you have 5 days to surrender yourself.

Min Aung Hlaing: That’s a lot of kilometres to move into my hiding with the loots and the series of books – Myanmar Politics and Tatmadaw. Did Aung San Suu Kyi receive her ICC warrant? Goddam it! That Red-carpet Fashion Model hasn’t called me yet.

Aung San Suu Kyi has promised to shield me from prosecution until I completed ‘unfinished business’ by entirely wiping out Rohingya. I’ve told her to repeat lies flying around the world.

Soe Win: She has protected us enough. That old woman might be terrified of protecting her own ass now.

Min Aung Hlaing: Nonsense.

My secret crush Cate Blanchett told the world what we did to Rohingya children. Then, Facebook’s ban. Now I decided what to do. I don’t want to die like Slobodan Praljak with poison in the courtroom. I will hang myself tonight. My grand dream is all over.

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